Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Conflict of Young and Not So Young...

I posted a new quote today that goes along with some things I've been thinking about lately. Getting older and what goes along with it...the good and not so good. I've always felt very young. Never my age. It felt weird to graduate from high school and be "grown up". It felt funny when I got married and I was a "wife". It was strange, at first, to call myself "mom"...even though it's the best thing that ever happened to me. And the word "adult" has always seemed....old. I have such a spirit of wonder and play and I still feel very young.

The past few years I've noticed my body changing. My skin doesn't look as young and my body doesn't always feel as great as it use to (although, I bet exercise could help that!). And, I had been trying to cover my gray hair...until this year.

I like the idea of being "authentic". I even read "Going Gray" by Ann Kreamer. It helped me feel great about the idea of letting my hair be it's natural color. However, when I grew out all the "fake" color, I was much grayer than I had imagined. I kept telling myself it was a good thing to be "authentic". I think I tried not to think about it too much. I'd shower and get dressed in the morning, arrange my hair in an acceptable style and go about my day. My family was supportive. Although, maybe they were just trying not to think about it too.

Recently, someone from my knit group commented that I'm "a lot older than the rest of us". Wow! I sure didn't feel that way. I felt like I fit in with all of them, especially the younger ones. I started to really look in the mirror. I started to really dislike what I saw, more than usual. I realized / decided that maybe the lightness of my hair didn't quite go with the color of my I wasn't quite ready for gray. Gray can look very nice with lighter skin tones or certain skin tones....not my skin tone! I kept going back and forth in my mind...color?...don't color?.

On our outing to the snow on Sunday, as my hair poked out of my hat, I really started to hate the gray. When we got home that day, my daughter and I went to the store to look at hair color. I made a choice that I felt pretty good about ("Acorn" could I go wrong with a cute name like that?!). I came home and colored, trimmed, and styled my hair. It looked pretty good. My family said it looked great. But, now I'm having second thoughts.

I love the idea of being "authentic" and part of me misses my gray. But, maybe I love the idea of being younger...or looking younger even more. I often wish that I would have appreciated my body and hair when I was young. But, it would still be what it is today. A conflict between what I feel and what I see in the mirror.

Growing up has so many great benifits. What happens to the body and hair definitely is not!

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